Teaching Foundations' Preschool Challenging Behavior Blog

How to Build Strong Partnerships with Preschool Families

Thu, 09 Dec 2021 04:50:56 GMT

A question I am frequently asked when delivering training on challenging behaviors is “How do I get the families involved?” It seems that one of the biggest challenges we face when working with children with challenging behaviors is getting on the same page with families. In my own experience, I found myself talking with a family for months to only have them jump on board after their child struggled through a kindergarten visit at the child’s new school. We were able to make more progress in the two months of us working together than I did in the seven months without buy-in from the family. This experience showed me why it’s important to get parents on board from the beginning. The question is “How?”

In this post, I am sharing how I have built strong partnerships with the families in my program. This is advice that is sure to bring down the walls between you and the families with whom you are working.

What is the family's role in addressing challenging behaviors?

Addressing challenging behaviors requires a team approach. Everyone needs to be involved and working together towards the same goals. While everyone on the team needs to do their part, we all have different roles we play in the process. My view of working with families to address challenging behaviors can be summed up in this quote:

“The family knows the child. The teacher knows child development.”

The families' role in addressing challenging behaviors is sharing with us information about their child. What does their child do at home? How do they address similar behaviors at home? Are there any developmental concerns or delays? What strategies have other programs or they themselves tried?

I use the information parents share with me to tailor any supports to the individual strengths and needs of the child. If families have strategies that work, I will add them to the behavior support plan. If the families or another program has tried a strategy I’m suggesting and it didn’t work, I will adapt or adjust the plan accordingly.

T he important thing to remember is that families often do not have the training and knowledge about child development that we have. They may not have a toolbox of strategies to draw from when addressing behavior challenges. They may be at a loss to know what to do to help their child and are looking to us for support and understanding. This is a big reason why families shut down when they perceive they are being blamed for their child's behavior. They may just be thinking, "I don't know what to do either?"

F amilies are more likely to partner with us when we are looking to them to give us the information we do not have. Additionally, we look to families to try techniques and strategies at home (with modeling and coaching from us). We can use what we know about child development to plan a best course of action based on the information shared with us from families.

N otice that I did not leave it to families to “fix” the problem, but rather saw the families as resources of information with unique knowledge about the child. Families are motivated to learn ways to support their child and they will be their child’s advocate even after the child’s time in our program comes to an end.

Why do families resist partnering with us?

It is important for us to know reasons why families resist partnering with us. This is the biggest complaint of teachers with whom I have worked. They feel like the parents are not willing to work with them to address the challenges in the classroom. I have found families to be resistant for one of these following reasons:

They see the child as a reflection of themselves. If they're child is struggling, what does that say about them or their parenting?

All parents have big dreams for their child. Admitting their child has challenges can sometimes tarnish those big dreams.

Parents may have struggled with these same challenges as a child. They're worried about their child facing the same stigma's and bullying they may have faced growing up.

I know you may be wondering... "Why this is important?"

When partnering with families, you have to be aware of the "elephant in the room" . What is the unspoken concerns that need to be addressed in order for the parent to be able to trust that you have their child's best interests in mind. When you start your partnership by addressing the parents' worries, you open the space for the establishment of trust that is critical for the relationship to progress.

T his is one of the biggest reasons I communicate with families by asking questions, listening to their responses, and communicating my plans of action. I do not focus on labels - ADHD, Austism, etc. - but rather talk about specific actions and moments and what I see that their child needs to learn. By keeping the conversation focused on learning and growth, I stay away from assigning blame and labeling their child. This allows us to become a team working to help their child learn the skills they need to be successful later in life.

What can I do to build strong partnerships with families?

One of the biggest ways I build strong partnerships with families is by establishing two way communication with families. I make sure to share highlights from each child’s day with families at pick up time (Sarah made this funny comment today. It was time to clean up and she said "Clean up, wiggle wiggle wooo). I know it’s important for me to share the funny, exciting, and casual moments of the day because it communicates to the families that I am getting to know their “whole” child - both their strengths and their struggles. If I have to share something I’m concerned about with families, I will say, “Today, I noticed…..” and then state specifically what I saw the child do. Then, I ask, “What are your thoughts about that?” or “Have you seen this happen at home?” By focusing on specific events/actions, I avoid labeling the child or making assumptions. This communicates genuine curiosity to the family and establishes the trust needed for open back-and-forth communication.

I use communication journals with families who are resistant to partnering or whose schedules make it difficult for me to talk with them in-person. Communication journals can be created with a simple marble notebook. In the communication journal, I share highlights from the child's day by gluing in pictures of the child playing with captions of what the child learned that day. The family can take the communication journal home and share highlights from the weekend. Parents appreciate the journal and it goes a long way toward establishing the needed trust for future conversations about behavior challenges.

I want to point out that when establishing a partnership with families, I focus on building a relationship first. The most effective way to build a relationship is by showing the parent you "see" all of their child's moments. Once a parent knows that you care about their child and are invested in their child's growth and learning, teaming up to address struggles will be much easier.

I’ve tried all of this and I’m still struggling! Now what ?

Patience! Trust is not established in one conversation, on one day, or from one interaction. It takes hundreds of interactions to establish the trust needed for partnering to address challenging behaviors. The good news is that a strong partnership can survive bumps in the road. This means creating a foundation of trust needs to be the focus of any parent partnership that is hanging on by the threads. Ensure you are communicating the daily highlights and listening to the family's attempts to communicate with you. Sometimes, simply starting over from the beginning is the best way to reset a relationship where trust has been broken.

Here’s one fact that keeps me going…..

“Parents need to hear the same concern HUNDREDS of times to CONSIDER it may be true.”

Barb O'Neill (Transform Challenging Behaviors)

This tells me to keep sharing and keep asking questions. By continuing to do the things that establish strong partnerships, you will be communicating you care and are reliable to the family. Through your persistence, you show the family I am here “no matter what”.

D on't be afraid to set up a meeting - in the meeting create a plan of actio n and schedule time to follow-up on the child's progress. I frequently use parent conference s as times to do this. It’s an already planned meeting that doesn’t carry the pressure of other scheduled meetings. The family is already coming to discuss the child's progress and learning goals.

B iggest thing.....keep going! Every little thing helps. Impact is measured over a lifetime. Just know you are laying the foundation for the building blocks of success later in life.

So, what are you waiting for? Download my Behavior Brainstorming form now and use it to identify what questions you need to ask families, what questions you still have about the behavior, and how you will start building trust with the families in your classroom. Watch our Partnering with Families You Tube video to see how I use this form to brainstorm before parent meetings.

Have questions about partnering with families in your program? Leave a comment in the chat box below. I would love to chat with you and share ideas!

Why Tracking Challenging Behaviors is the MOST Important Thing You Will Do

Tue, 27 Jul 2021 14:00:45 GMT

Do you struggle with finding ways to support the children with challenging behaviors in your classroom? I had one child who I struggled with finding ways to support. I still remember him all these years later. There were times when he would hit another child for what appeared to be no reason. Other times, he would disrupt group time. Circle time became the time of day I dreaded because I knew I did not want to deal with his behaviors. I would spend many afternoons talking with his mom about the behaviors that had occurred that day. We were both at a lost for what to do to get him to follow my classroom routines.

My struggles with addressing this behavior challenge led to many sleepless nights. I would spend hours online looking for solutions. Then, I would create the charts or memorize the techniques I found. I would go into the classroom the next day ready to use them only to find out they did not work and, sometimes, made his behavior worse.

I was frustrated. The only thing I wanted was to find something that worked. At times, I felt doomed for failure.

Does this sound like you? Are you struggling with a child and wondering what will work for you?

I now know that I had one fatal flaw in my approach to addressing the behavior challenges in my classroom. I did not take the time to ask “Why” he was behaving as he did. I did not take the time to track his behavior so that I could find strategies that matched the reasons driving his behaviors. If I had done this, I could have saved myself a great deal of time and frustration.

Benefits of Tracking Behavior

You have probably heard this phrase before: ALL Behavior is Communication . This means that children's behaviors send us hidden messages about their needs and wants. It becomes our job as preschool teachers to decode the hidden messages in children’s behaviors.

I know what you’re thinking:

“How do I decode the hidden messages when I am not a behavior specialist?”

My answer: “Tracking behavior is how.”

By tracking challenging behaviors, you can begin to uncover the hidden messages. Uncovering the hidden messages allows you to understand "why" the child is behaving as they do. There are many reasons "why" a child may hit another child. These reasons include:

frustration
the other child took something they wanted
swinging their arms to close to the other child
unable to express their feelings with words
trying to get the other child to play with them, among others.

With all that is going on in your classroom, it can be hard to know the exact reason driving the behavior you are seeing. By tracking the behavior, you will find clues that help you begin to identify the reasons behind the specific behaviors in your classroom. Once you know the reasons, you will no longer need to pick random strategies and hope they work. You can now target your strategies and tools to the reasons driving the specific behaviors you are experiencing. This will also increase your chances of success because you will know the times and places to best use the strategies.

In short, you will be able to create a more tailored behavior support plan that meets the individual needs of the child with challenging behaviors.

Behavior Tracking Forms

The forms you use to track challenging behaviors depend on the information you need to know about the behavior. Our Behavior Brainstorming Form is great for reflecting on a child's strengths and interests, identifying the challenging behaviors you need to address, and listing questions you have about the behavior. After you have this information, you can decide which tracking forms are best to answer your questions about the challenging behavior.

Download our Behavior Brainstorming Form now so you can start creating your behavior tracking plan today.

Do you want help with tracking behavior?

Join our Behavior Detective Squad Facebook Group . This group is filled with early childhood educators who are working to conquer challenging behaviors together. In the group, you can share your insights from the Behavior Brainstorming Form and ask for strategies and best practices when creating a plan to track behavior and uncover the reasons driving the challenging behaviors in your classroom. Join the group by clicking here .

The three forms I frequently use to track challenging behaviors are ABC Charts , Frequency Charts , and Anecdotal Records . While these three forms each provide us with different information about challenging behaviors, they also compliment each other, as well. My go to form when tracking challenging behaviors is the ABC chart. The ABC chart records what is happening in your room when a challenging behavior occurs. To complete the ABC chart, you will note what happened before the behavior occurred (the A ntecedent), the specific challenging behavior (the B ehavior), and what happened after the behavior occurred (the C onsequence). When you use this form to track a behavior over time (at least two weeks), you will begin to notice patterns in the behavior. The behavior may frequently occur after the same events. For example,

someone entering their space
clean up time
nap time
with a specific person

You may also notice the behavior is frequently followed by the same events. For example,

teacher interaction
not having to clean up
leaving the classroom
getting toys from another child
going home

These behavior patterns will tell you what is causing the behavior (the antecedent) and what the reward is for the child (the consequences). Knowing these two pieces of information can help you plan when to use the strategies you find for the challenging behavior and what skills you need to teach the child to use instead of the challenging behavior.

Powerful information, right?

The ABC chart is the beginning of targeting your strategies to the reasons driving the behavior. I have been able to make behavior support plans just from the information I learned from the ABC chart.

Download our Behavior Toolkit to get started tracking today!

What Behavior Tracking Tells You

When you track challenging behaviors, you learn about the child. Many teachers think they are learning about the behavior when tracking challenging behaviors, but you are actually learning about what the child needs to be able to successfully meet your classroom expectations. Isn't that amazing? The very thing we all want - for the behavior to STOP and for the child to FOLLOW our classroom routines - relies on us understanding the child and what motivates them. Tracking behavior is the KEY to learning what you need to do to reduce the challenging behaviors in your classroom.

I know what you're asking, "What am I looking for when tracking behavior?" There are 4 main reasons driving most challenging behaviors:

To get something they want (tangible)
To get out of something (avoidance)
To get attention (aka connection)
Sensory/Stimulation (either more or less)

These are the rewards we discussed earlier that you will find in the behavior patterns revealed by ABC charts. Knowing which reward is driving the behavior allows you to plan strategies and begin to teach the child skills to get what they need in socially appropriate ways.

From our earlier behavior example, I learned that I needed to be close by when he was sharing materials with others (the Antecedent ) because he was hitting when someone took his toy. This allowed me to give him the words (that’s mine) to use to ask for his toy back instead of hitting. When he was able to frequently get the toy back by saying “That’s mine”, the more he used words instead of hitting to get what he wanted. This behavior change did not happen immediately, but with consistency, we were able to “teach” him how to ask for what he wanted. However, I would not have known I needed to do this without tracking his behavior first.

Finding Time to Track Behaviors

As teachers we have many responsibilities: lesson plans, progress reports, running our classrooms, talking to families, cleaning responsibilities, etc. Finding time to track behavior can be difficult and feel overwhelming considering everything else we have to do.

I have always tried to find ways to include behavior tracking into my normal classroom rhythms and routines . The ABC chart, included in our Behavior Toolkit , can be kept on your clipboard with your daily attendance sheet. When a behavior happens, you can note the time and the behavior so it’s tracked. Later, you can write the details about what happened before and after the behavior when you have time. I usually complete the frequency chart based on incidents logged on the ABC chart.

Another strategy is to keep sticky notes near you and quickly jot down necessary behavior details (time, behavior, location, etc). These sticky notes can be added to behavior tracking forms later at the end of the day or during naptime.

The most important thing is to have a PLAN to track the behavior. You are only going to track a specific behavior based on your reflections from the Behavior Brainstorming form mentioned earlier. So, you only need to keep notes on the specific behavior you are targeting for behavior support.

When possible, use a team approach to behavior tracking. I have left anecdotal records on observation charts in different areas of my classroom. This allows anyone working in my room to quickly jot down notes about behaviors they observe for me to add to the tracking forms later in the day. Administration can also assist with this process. They can come to your classroom and observe at times when the behavior is likely to occur. They can also collect notes and anecdotal records from the teachers and complete the ABC charts and frequency logs for discussions with teachers and families during behavior support meetings .

The best thing is to create a plan of action – who will document what and when? Next, make copies of the behavior tracking forms available to anyone assisting with behavior tracking. The sooner you track the behavior, the more likely you are to identify the reasons for the behavior. This will allow you to make a behavior support plan that targets the child’s unique needs and begin to teach missing social skills. Once that happens, you can return to your daily routines and responsibilities confident you have a behavior plan that will WORK !

Do you want support learning how to track behaviors? Have you heard about tracking behavior before but do not know where to start? Then, our Challenging Behavior Village Facebook Group is just what you need. What are you waiting for? Join today to receive support, coaching, and encouragement from other early childhood professionals committed to conquering challenging behaviors. Join us here !

Are you actually encouraging the challenging behaviors you are struggling to prevent?

Fri, 16 Jul 2021 03:16:32 GMT

Have you ever had a child who despite everything you did, their behavior only continued to get worse?

You’ve probably heard stories similar to this:

“Drop off was a time of day I dreaded. Adrian would arrive in the morning with his mom and they would read a book together. When mom went to leave, Adrian would storm the door and run out of the classroom. We would have to chase him down the hall. If his mom saw him, she would come back to the classroom to talk to Adrian. At first, we thought the challenging drop off would go away once he got used to being in our classroom. However, it only increased over time with him starting to yell, cry, and throw things when his mom left for work. This became a part of our morning routine to the point of administrators needing to come to our classroom to assist. Each morning would melt down into chaos that disrupted our morning routines. It was a nightmare to say the least.“

I shared this example with you because this is a time when many of us question our abilities as a teacher. I’ve had many similar moments in my teaching career. These moments taught me a lot about working with children with challenging behaviors. They also helped me think about my role in helping the children in my classroom. Looking back, one of the reasons I struggled so much was I didn’t take the time to reflect on the big picture about the challenging behaviors and my role in it. Now, reflection has become a big part of how I plan my response to challenging behaviors. It is also a major factor in my ability to maintain composure and perspective.

In this article, I’m showing you how I reflect on the big picture of children's challenging behaviors and adjust my interactions to actually see progress when working with the children with challenging behaviors in my classroom.

Why is the child behaving this way?

The first thing I stop and consider is, “What is the purpose of this behavior?” In other words, “Why was he doing this?”

There are two “whys” I was always consider:

(1) The "in-the-moment" why : what has caused this specific incident of challenging behavior

(2) The "big picture" why – the missing skills or life circumstances driving the behavior.

Knowing the "in-the-moment" why helps me to connect with the child when responding to their behavior, while the "big picture" why helps me know what skills to teach. Check out this article to learn how I track behavior to discover the reasons behind children’s challenging behaviors.

One thing I have learned is that children will continue to do challenging behaviors as long as it works for them. Our challenge is to figure out what the child is getting out of the behavior and teach them new ways to get what they want. It does take time. However, children will try new behaviors when they see that the new behavior works for them with better results.

In my experience with a child similar to Adrian from the example above, I learned that the "in-the-moment" why was delaying mom leaving for work. I learned the "big picture" why through a meeting with mom. Adrian had recently lost his father. His father went to work and never returned home because he was in a car accident. This child had a real fear that his mom wouldn’t return if she left. I used this knowledge to connect with him during drop-off by saying “you don’t want mom to leave”. We also had a conversation with mom about leaving and allowing us to address the running out of the classroom. We also introduced goodbye routines , such as watching mom leave so he didn’t need to run out of the room. We used our knowledge of his "big picture" why to talk with him about his fear and reassure him that mom would return. Last, we planned ways for him to stay in contact with mom throughout the day with calls to check-in, adding when mom comes to pick up to daily schedule, letters and drawings sent home, as well as, notes from mom in the afternoon.

It is important for teachers to be aware of the reasons for children's behaviors because this will provide us with the information we need to meet each child’s individual needs.

Teacher's Role in Challenging Behaviors

It is important for teachers to be aware of the reasons for children's behaviors because this will provide us with guidance on how to respond to the behavior. Positive reinforce is a term we hear a lot when discussing behavior guidance. Positive reinforcement is when I’m doing something to increase the chances of a behavior happening again. Positive reinforcement works best when what you are doing or giving is of value to the child (praise, high fives, stickers, etc.).

Did you know there is another way to reinforce behavior? It is by removing things or situations that a child does not want. In Adrian’s example every time Adrian ran out of the room and mom returned to talk with him, it increased the chances of Adrian running the next day. This is one of the big reasons why the behavior continued to increase despite our best efforts and plans. The response to Adrian’s behavior told him, “If you want mom to stay, run away.”

The behavior only began to decrease when our response did not include Adrian getting what he wanted, mom staying, by running away. In fact, the challenging behavior really reduced when Adrian was able to call and check-in with his mom and share with her what was happening at school. These strategies worked because they reduced Adrian's fear of mom not returning.

It’s important for us to remember that challenging behavior is more than what the child is doing. It’s also what we (and the family) do in response to the behavior. What we do, say, and think impacts whether the behavior works for the child or not. When we take the time to reflect on our interactions, we can identify how the child responds to our strategies and make adjustments, when needed. It’s a lot easier to change what we do. When working with children with challenging behaviors, this is as important as working to change the a child's behavior.

Introducing the Challenging Behavior Roadmap

One way I reflect on my role in children's challenging behaviors is with the Challenging Behavior Roadmap . After an incident of challenging behavior, I will sit down alone, or with the team of teachers I am working with, and map out the behavior incident. During the meeting, I list what happened first, second, next, and after that during the episode of challenging behavior. If your program has cameras, you can review the episode on the camera and complete the roadmap while you are viewing the footage. The benefits of doing the roadmap, include:

It's an objective record of the sequence of events. It helps me not react emotionally to what happened but "see" the complete picture from beginning to end.
Identify what the escalation point was during the timeline of events. When exactly did chaos breakout in the classroom?
Identify how the child responded to my interactions and strategies
Create a plan of action for the future.

Roadmaps are not meant to be shared with families. However, you can note questions to ask the parents or reflections on why the behavior is occurring to start conversations with the families about the challenging behavior. It can also provide you with specific details to share with the family and also how the child responded to the strategies you used. I find with the roadmap I notice things I didn't "see" while in the action and it helps be understand what happened in a more meaningful way.

Download our Challenging Behavior Roadmap to start mapping out the behavior episode in your classroom. What things do you notice about your interactions with the child with challenging behaviors? How does the child respond? Share your insights in the comments below.

If you are on Facebook, you can join our Behavior Detective Squa d to share your roadmaps and any insights you've gained. You can also ask squad members for ideas to help you begin to teach the behaviors you want to see based on your roadmap insights. Our group is filled with early childhood educators working to C onquer Challenging Behaviors together.

How to Flip the Stories You Share about Challenging Behaviors

Mon, 24 Feb 2020 10:29:07 GMT

Why is it that the children who need our love and support the most are the last ones to receive it? I have asked myself this question many times. It is something that drives my work and passion for children with challenging behaviors. This question has also led me to many obvious conclusions – we don’t know how to support them, their needs are hard to address in a group setting, and what about the others (aren’t they losing out)? This question is at the center of many conversations related to supporting children with challenging behaviors. You hear about it when advocates discuss the importance of social skills on later success in school and life . My exploration of the question has led me to a possible answer that has yet to be considered.

Could it be the "stories" we tell ourselves about children's behaviors?

When I started teaching, this is exactly what I expected – happy children, ready to do what Ms. Tiffany said. Instead, I got a different reality. I was a Twos teacher in a classroom with 12 children, 9 boys and 3 girls. And the boys were active – climbing on furniture, hitting, wrestling, and running EVERYWHERE. What happened to my “happy” children? Where did they go? I can’t tell you how many times I came home crying and ready to find another job. Can you relate?

Think about a child in your class who has challenging behaviors. Review notes you have written about their behaviors, reflect on conversations you have about them with other teachers, even write a description of something that happened last week. What do you see in the words you use to describe the behavior? Does the story that you tell include any positive comments, things that make you smile, or the child’s strengths and interests?

I know what you’re asking, “Why does this matter?” It matters because the words we use to describe a child's behaviors determines how we “see” their behavior, how we work with parents to find solutions, and most importantly how we interact with the child. If you talk about the child using positive and specific words to describe their actions, you see the child’s behavior as communicating a need and thus approach the challenging behavior from a perspective of “teaching”. In contrast, using words with negative meanings, such as aggressive, mean, defiant, bully, etc., lead to you seeing the child as a problem who needs to be fixed or punished. My point is the difference in how you respond to challenging behaviors is directly related to the words you use to describe what happened. This highlights the importance of recognizing the unconscious stories we tell ourselves about children’s behaviors. When we do this, we can “flip” the story and open our minds to the “see” the whole child, both their strengths and their struggles.

So, the question becomes how do we “flip” the stories we tell ourselves, so that we can change how we see and interact with the child with challenging behaviors?

Here is a list of 5 strategies that have worked for me:

Play with the child when they are engaging in positive behaviors.

The thing I have noticed when working with children with challenging behaviors is that we tend to “take a break” from the child when they are not engaging in challenging behaviors. Responding to the challenging behaviors requires so much attention and energy that when the child is cooperatively following routines, we use that time to do the other things we don’t get to do while the challenging behavior is present. However, this “break” sends an unintended message to the child:

"If you want my attention, engage in challenging behaviors and I will come."

To break this cycle, I follow the 2 minutes for 10 consecutive days strategy to build a stronger relationship with the child with challenging behaviors. When the children is meeting expectations, I walk over and spend 2 minutes talking with them about what they are doing, listening to a story they have to tell, dancing to music, whatever. It is all about spending time with them doing something positive. You will learn a lot about the child as well, including interests, strengths, and what is happening at home. All of this is information you can use to help support them when they are struggling later. If anything, it helps you build the know , trust , and like factor into your relationship that is so vital to getting the child to want to follow your guidance.

Talk about the child's strengths more than their challenges.

What you talk about is what you notice. When working with children with challenging behaviors, it’s easy to focus on their challenges and miss their strengths. Jeanine Fitzgerald in her book entitled The Dance of Interaction: Discovering the Hero Within Every Child writes about how every child is born with a special talent waiting to bloom. I believe this to be true as well. The challenge for us as teachers is to begin to talk about the strengths of children with challenging behaviors as much as we talk about their struggles. In this article , I discussed the importance of leading conversations about challenging behaviors from a strength-based perspective. When you do this, you talk about the child’s interests, times of day when they are successful, favorite activities, supports for helping the child manage triggers, and celebrate each child’s baby steps along the way. This allows us to see the child as a “seedling” who needs water to begin to sprout, rather than as a burden that is taking something away from the other children.

Describe the child's behavior using objective language.

To help myself clearly describe the specifics of a challenging behavior, I ask myself the following question:

“What makes me think.....?"

When you ask yourself this question, it makes you focus on what the child actually did. The actions and statements that lead you to conclude a child was defiant, aggressive, or mean. It gets you back to the actual behavior and focuses your attention on what actually happened versus your interpretations about what happened.

The next time you experience a challenging behavior, I challenge you to write what happened on our anecdotal record form , which you can access here . After you have finished writing, go back and ask yourself “What makes me think this” anytime you described what happened using non-specific language or details. Comment below the differences you see when you describe the behavior using this question as a guide.

Use the word "can't" instead of "won't"

These are two small words with powerful meanings. Some people will say that the meanings of these two words are similar, but I challenge that they are not. In fact, the use of these words can directly impact how you respond to a child’s behavior because they have two very distinct meanings. “Won’t” means will not. This means that a child can do something, but chooses not to do it. For example, “Sarah won’t talk” means Sarah has the ability to talk, but is choosing not to talk at the moment. When you describe children’s behaviors be saying they won’t do something, you are telling yourself that they have the ability to do it, but are choosing not to do it. The child is being uncooperative, stubborn, or shall I say defiant.

However, children usually have challenging behaviors because there is a social or emotional skill that they have not yet learned. This means that they are not having tantrums because they won’t “control their emotions”, but because they can’t control their emotions. By saying they can’t, you are helping yourself to identify the child’s learning need. This simple change in wording starts the process of responding to challenging behaviors with a lens toward “teaching”.

Identify the missing social skills in the challenging behavior.

In this article , we discuss the three questions every preschool teacher needs to ask when addressing challenging behaviors. The second question is “what does the child need to learn? ” When we ask ourselves this question, we focus our attention on what the child needs to learn in order to meet our expectations.

For example, I ask, “What does Jacob need to learn? ” to not hit his peers during while playing in blocks. Depending on the information I have gathered from tracking of his behavior, this answer will be different for different children. This is why it’s important to build relationships with each child and get to know their unique strengths, skills, and triggers when planning behavior supports for them. The first step toward targeting our supports to reasons driving the behavior is knowing the social-emotional skills each child needs to learn to engage in prosocial behavior.

I would love to hear your thoughts on this article, specifically how you think the stories we tell ourselves impact our interactions with children with challenging behaviors.

Comment your thoughts, insights, or questions below. Let’s start this very important discussion today.

How to Conquer Your Year with Successful Preschool Routines

Sun, 25 Aug 2019 23:38:30 GMT

It’s the beginning of the year and most of us are preparing our classrooms for the arrival of our students. We are arranging furniture, putting up decorations and displays, creating daily schedules, and planning our daily activities. However, there is one thing missing from this preparation. It is often the one thing that is the difference between having a classroom full of children who know and follow our schedules and a classroom full of children who need constant reminders and redirection to meet our expectations. It is the difference between saying, “I have the best class ever!” and “I can’t wait till summer starts!” What is it you’re asking……

It’s routines! Routines are “a sequence of actions regularly followed”. This means routines are the things we do every day in the same order. Classroom routines are important because they give children structure which decreases their anxiety and fosters a feeling of security, comfort, and trust in their environment. Children may not know how to tell time, but they do know and understand the sequence of a routine. This helps them to know what comes next and begin to meet your expectations. As stated in our previous article about transitions, children need to know what to do , when to do it , and how to do it in order to meet our expectations for their behavior.

Classroom management is more than simply putting up a great behavior chart and rewarding good behavior. Classroom management involves giving children clear, concise routines to follow. The more clearly defined the routine, the easier it is for children to know what you want them to do and, thus, comply with your expectations. This is the key to getting your year with the children off to a great start.

I know what you’re wondering….

How do I create consistent routines?

You know you have a specific routine when the children tell other adults what comes next when visiting your classroom. When planning classroom routines, there are two questions you need to ask yourself:

1. What do I want the children to do?

2. How do I want them to do it?

1. What do I want the children to do?

As stated earlier, the children need to know what to do, when to do it, and how to do it. In order for the children to know this, you first have to decide what you want the children to do. Is it line up in one line, walk outside, put names next to areas during choice time, sit and read in the library area, etc. If you don’t know specifically what you want the children to do, you won’t be able to teach them a consistent routine.

To help you plan your classroom routines, I have created the Planning Classroom Routines form shown above. You can use it to write the procedures for each part of your daily schedule. This form can be shared with others assisting in your room or supporting your classroom in your absence to ensure the consistency of routines when you are not present.

To answer this question, you would list what you want the children to do in the Behavior Expectations section. For example, I listed “Circle Time” under activity and listed “sit down, participate in discussions, listen to other children’s ideas, and stay in their own space”. With specific expectations listed, I am now able to move on to the second question for designing a successful classroom routine.

2. How do I want them to do it?

Anything you want the children to do must have a specific procedure that you follow. You can add procedures throughout the year as you need them. Once you decide on the procedure, you must consistently follow the routine for at least one month for the procedures to become habits the children follow on their own. It takes 21 days to create a habit and it takes the same amount of time for children to learn new classroom routines. On the Planning Classroom Routines tool , you will list the steps and directions for each behavior expectation you have for each period in your daily schedule. If you work with a team of teachers, it is best to plan this step together to get everyone on the same page for classroom procedures.

For my circle time behavior examples, I listed have everyone sit on outside edges of the carpet area. I will have circle cut outs or carpet squares on the floor to mark space for the first few weeks. This design to seating allows everyone to see each other and participate in the group discussion as equals. To moderate who will talk and make a visual for turn taking, we will pass the talking stick around the circle. I created a song to sing as circle time begins. It is sung with the children each morning. For children who cannot sit, an alternative activity is planned including play dough or drawing. Fidgets will be offered to children as they participate in the circle time discussion.

If you’re struggling with implementing consistent routines with the children in your class, I encourage you to download our Planning Classroom Routines tool today from our Free Resource Library . You can do the same thing I did with my circle time expectations with all the parts of your daily schedule. Once you have the plan, you can focus on “teaching” the routine to the children.

If you encounter challenging behaviors, this article will help you track the behavior to identify appropriate supports. You can also download our Daily Behavior Support form from the Resource Library, which allows you to plan adaptations to current classroom routines based on individual child needs.

I would love to hear your thoughts about classroom routines. What are your favorite routines? Where do you struggle with routines? Leave your responses in the comment section below or you can join our Challenging Behavior Village , a group of early childhood professionals all working to reduce challenging behaviors together. Click here to join!

How to Design Transitions to Prevent Challenging Behaviors

Mon, 08 Jul 2019 03:02:48 GMT

3 Phases Every Preschool Teacher Needs to Consider

Do you feel like you lose complete control of your class during transitions? Do you find yourself dreading clean-up time or taking the children outside because they might run away, throw toys, or start wrestling in the circle area? Well, know that you are not alone!

Transitions can be a tough time to manage in preschool classrooms. To make matters worse, your daily schedule is full of transitions: from mealtime to group time, from indoors to outdoors, from choice time to cleaning up, etc. You simply cannot avoid them. The important thing for you to remember about transitions is that preschool children need extra guidance with managing the transition from one activity to the next. There are many reasons why preschool children struggle with transitions, including being tired or hungry, not knowing what to do, or not being ready to end their current activity. You can help make your transitions more successful by adapting your transition routines to the needs and abilities of the children in your classroom.

I know what you are thinking, “How do I do this?” Or you are thinking, “I have tried, but they do not listen.” From my experience, I teach children my expectations for transitions by intentionally planning ways to keep the children engaged while transitioning between activities. Yes, I pre-plan what I want the children to do and how I want them to do it. I plan EVERYTHING: the songs I will sing, the warnings I will give, and the individual child supports for the children who struggle with transitions. I do this by considering the 3 phases of transitions: (1) Preparation Phase, (2) Transition Phase, and (3) Ending Phase. Each transition in my classroom has a specific plan that I implement everyday so that the children learn what to do, when to do it, and how to do it. When you do it enough times, it becomes routine for both you and the children.

Now, let’s take a more in depth look at each phase of a transition….

1. Preparation Phase

The preparation phase is the period before you start the actual transition between activities. It deals with everything you do before the transition starts. During this phase, I set my transitions up for success by giving the children a 5-minute warning of the upcoming change in schedule. My warnings appeal to three different senses: visual, auditory, and tactile (touch). This ensures that my transition announcements match the different learning styles of the children in my classroom. One of my favorite resources for providing warnings to children is the Time Timer®. It provides a great visual of the passage of time with the disappearing color. The best part is the Time Timer comes in 5-minute, 20-minute, 60-minute, and 120-minute versions. This allows you to set the timer at the start of an activity and it provides a continuous visual reminder of when an activity will end. Children in my class are known to make announcements to others based on how much color is left on the screen.

Other great visual representations of the passage of time, include sand timers and timers with lights that change colors. I have also used wind chimes, triangles, bells, drums, and rain sticks to provide auditory warnings of upcoming transitions. I have hit triangles 5 times to signal 5-more minutes, then 3-times to signal three more minutes, and so on. This auditory warning combined with the visual of a timer provides a powerful alert for the children in your room.

For children who need individual warnings of upcoming transitions, I will walk over to them and provide a tactile (touch) warning. A strategy that has been effective for me is to hold up my hand and have the child give me a high five. When they look at me, I say “5 more minutes until clean-up time”. I will go back at four minutes left and do the same thing, only touching four fingers instead of five. I continue this process until it’s time to transition to the next activity. I love this strategy because it provides information through a different sensory input and also provides me with the opportunity to talk to the child about what is coming next in the schedule. I can get them motivated to transition by saying, “After we clean-up, we’re going outside! What are you going to do outside?” By helping the child think about what they will do next, they begin the mental process of stopping what they are currently doing and starting the next activity. First/Then charts provide a great visual for these conversations. For example, I put the clean-up picture in the “First” spot and the child will add a picture of what to do next in the “Then” spot. When it’s time to clean-up, I will show them the chart as a reminder of what they have planned to do next.

It’s important to have all the materials for the next activity ready before leaving the preparation phase. There is nothing more hectic than trying to transition children and look for materials and supplies at the same time. If you are still gathering materials, allow the children to continue with their current activity until you’re ready for them to transition. Preschool children do not wait! If they can’t start the next activity immediately, they will find something else to do (and it probably won’t be what you want them to do). If you’re teaching alone in your classroom, you will need to plan what the children will do while “waiting” for the next activity to start. I have had children draw pictures in the circle area to share with the group or a child “read” a favorite class story while I assisted with cleaning. I have also had a child who is a leader assist other children with cleaning while I started the next activity. What I did depended on the group of children I had and what would work best in that moment. You will need to adapt your transition routines similarly.

2. Transition Phase

The transition phase is the period when you are moving the children from one activity to the next activity. It involves how you move the children between activities. During this phase, I do my best to transition the class in small groups, if possible. For example, I will send children to the bathroom during the preparation phase, instead of as a group transition. This allows the children to stay engaged in their current activity without having to wait for others to finish using the bathroom. Another way I transition children in small groups, is by singing the color song and having children wearing that color line up. Whenever possible, plan your transitions to be in small groups because these are much easier to manage.

The biggest challenge during the transition phase is having the children know what to do and how to do it. One way I consistently provide directions during transitions without yelling is by singing. I take a favorite tune and sing my directions to that tune. For example, I sing, “Who is cleaning, Who is cleaning, up the room, up the room. Daniel is cleaning, Daniel is cleaning, up the blocks, up the blocks” to the tune of Frere Jacques . I can adapt this song to include the different names of the children and tell them what they are doing or need to do in a way that keeps their attention. Do you have a favorite transition song you sing? I would love to hear it in the comments section below.

The important thing is for the transition phase to be fun and engaging for the children. I have made transitions into games where we hop like frogs down the hall or we pretend to be quiet mice who are sneaking outside. I think about what I want the children to do (put all the blocks away) and then I think of a fun way for the children to do it (let’s see who can pick up the most blocks). The more fun and engaging your transition activity is the more the children will be motivated and excited to participate. When you find something that works, continue to use it. The more consistent and predictable your transition routines are the more the children will know what to do and how to do it.

During this phase, individual plans for children who struggle with transitions is a must. I have partnered children who struggle cleaning up with a clean-up helper and given children jobs (holding clipboards, doors, or line leader) while walking outside. I will also break down a transition into mini-steps to help the child know what to do and when. For example, I will make a visual transition schedule that breaks down the transition to lunch with washing hands, throwing away a paper towel, going to lunch table, and finding place to sit). I may keep these schedules on rings clicked to my clothes for easy reference when needed.

One of the biggest challenges during the transition phase is children who are not finished with an activity. You may have a child who started painting a picture and wants to finish the picture. Having a place for children to save unfinished work provides a great way to gain compliance with a transition, but also allowing children to return to unfinished work later. If the item is large, creating a “do not touch” sign to be added to the item gives the child security in knowing their work will be safe until they return.

3. Ending Phase

The ending phase is the period after you have moved to the next activity. During this phase, I provide the children with positive feedback about what I saw them doing that went well during the transition. For example, I will say, “Look how quickly we made it outside. Now we have more time to play! Yeah!!!” The more descriptive your feedback about the children’s actions is, the more the children know what they did that was positive and the more likely they are to repeat it. Additionally, I provide specific feedback to individual children who struggle with transitions. For example, I will say, “Look Daniel, you went to line up immediately after being asked and now you’re the line leader. Are you excited?”

This phase is frequently forgotten when transitioning preschool children. We get to the next activity and jump right in. However, taking the time to say what worked and acknowledging the children’s efforts tell them that what they did matters to you. What gets your attention is what they will continue to do. So give your attention to the things that work well more so than the things that don’t.

Take the time to download our Transition Assessment form from the Resource Library and start planning for the 3 phases of your transitions today! Join our Behavior Detective Squad group on Facebook and share your transition plans and how they are working in your room.

How to Conquer Social Conflicts in Preschool

Wed, 19 Jun 2019 03:44:07 GMT

A Proven 5-Step Conflict Mediation Process

Social conflicts are everywhere in a preschool classroom. Children fighting over a toy in the block area, telling other children, “You can’t come to my party”, and arguing over who gets to line up first are common conflicts every preschool teacher encounters at some time in their career. Let’s face it, preschool children simply are not good at solving social conflicts and need our guidance and support to handle these conflicts prosocially. It’s important for preschool teachers to remember that solving social problems is not just a struggle for young children, but adults as well. How often have you witnessed adults yelling and pointing fingers while driving, asking to be removed from a classroom because they don’t get along with a co-worker, or ending a long-time friendship after a disagreement over money. Learning how to manage social conflicts is important for children when going about their day in our preschool classrooms, and it is also an important life skill. One of the thrive skills discussed in this article .

I have often heard preschool teachers respond to these social conflicts by saying, “We are all friends!” If you think about it, this phrase is misleading. Are you friends with all your co-workers because you all work at the same job? Probably not. For us to expect all of the children in our classroom to be “friends” simply because they were placed in the same classroom is unrealistic. The definition of a friend is “a person who one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection”. When you think about it, the children in your room are all classmates, and a few are friends. It is more appropriate to teach children to be kind to others, how to solve conflicts peacefully, and to respect the opinions and views of others. These are long-term life goals that will benefit the children in our care for their entire life.

We know that preschool children learn best when they have the opportunity solve problems that are meaningful to them in everyday experiences. This means that the moments when children are engaged in conflicts present a unique “teachable moment”, where children get to see conflict mediation in action and practice using the steps to solve their own conflicts. Over time, children internalize the conflict mediation process as an effective response during conflict and begin to use the steps without adult assistance. This helps them better manage their emotions during conflicts and cope with social challenges calmly and productively.

It’s important for preschool teachers to continually observe for these “teachable moments” when children are having conflicts in their classroom and to help them think about ways to solve their own problems. The teacher’s role is to help the children identify when there are conflicts, find potential solutions, reach a consensus, and implement the agreed upon solution. In this approach, the teacher facilitates the problem-solving process by asking open-ended questions and allowing the children to generate their own solutions.

So, what are the 6-steps I use to mediate the conflicts between children in my classroom? Here they are:

Step 1: Help Children Calm Down

When children are upset, hitting, or fighting, the first step is to defuse the situation. Remember, young children typically fight about actions (things other children do) and things (toys, materials, activities). Teachers should try to settle conflicts before they escalate by immediately responding as soon as they hear voices rising. Most conflicts will calm when you move closer to the children in these moments. When hitting, biting, or other physical actions occur, the teacher should approach the children calmly and stop all hurtful actions by saying, “All hitting must stop. I know that you are angry, but it is not ok to hit.” The teacher would then get down on the children’s level, use a calm voice, and when appropriate gently touch the children to offer comfort. For more strategies on how to respond to aggressive behaviors, check out this article .

It’s important for teachers to acknowledge children’s feelings when deescalating the emotions of the children involved in the conflict. I state feelings concretely by saying, “You are feeling upset” or “You look sad”. I also show the children what they look like with my body postures and facial expressions. If children are using hurtful words toward each other, I will reframe these statements by saying, “You are feeling angry right now, it is not ok to call people names when you are angry.” If needed, I will offer a cooling off period where the children are separated before talking about what happened. I also tell children, “I need to hold this while we talk”, if they are arguing over a toy or other object. This will usually redirect their attention toward me, as opposed to continuing to fight over the object.

Step 2: Identify the Problem

Once everyone is calm, I will start asking "what" questions to gather information about what happened from the children. For example, I will say, “What happened” or “What is the problem?” It’s important to get each child’s perspective by offering a chance for each child to share their side of the story. I usually accomplish this by sitting everyone down and saying, “What happened? Johnny will tell me first and Nathan will listen. Then, Nathan will tell me what happened, and Johnny will listen.” This provides clear directions to the children about my expectations for talking and listening. It also shares with the children that everyone will get a chance to speak.

It is important for you to simply listen to whatever the children have to say without judgement during this step. This assures the children that it is safe to communicate what happened. If a child fears getting in trouble for what happened, the children may not share the complete story and the teacher will not be able to talk the children through the specifics of the problem. Remember, the teacher’s key role during this step is to LISTEN for the children’s perceptions of the problem so that they can repeat or restate relevant details for the children to consider.

After everyone has shared, I will restate back to the children what I heard them say from both children’s perspective. For example, I will say, “So, the problem is that Nathan was playing with a toy and Johnny took it from him. Johnny said he had the toy first and wanted it back.” This allows the children to add more details to the story, if needed, or clarify details that I may have confused. If the children share safety concerns, such as hitting, kicking, or pushing, I will explain limits at this point by saying, “It’s not safe to hit. Instead of hitting, let’s think of a safe way to solve this problem.”

Step 3: Brainstorm Possible Solutions

During this step, each child will share ideas on how to solve the problem. I simply ask, “What can we do to fix this problem?” As the children state their ideas, I will list all the possible solutions they generate on paper. Teachers should listen openly to each idea, as this models for the children how to listen to, appreciate, and consider the point being made by other children. Children consider what each solution will look like and what they think will happen if the solution is tried. I also ask the children, “How do you think Johnny will feel about this solution”, to help them begin to consider the other child’s perspective when problem solving.

For children who are not developmentally ready to provide ideas or those who do not have the language to communicate their ideas, the teacher would offer suggestions of ideas or assist the children with a language need with verbalizing their ideas. A great resource I use in my classroom is the Solutions Kit Cue Cards available here . These cards can be printed, laminated, and placed in a decorated shoe box for the children to pull solutions from when brainstorming ideas. The teacher would discuss with the children whether the solution could solve the problem.

Step 4: Agree on a Solution

After the children have created a list of possible solutions, the next step is to choose one solution to try together. The teacher reviews each solution on the list and engages with the children to find out which solution they think will be best. The goal during this step is for each child to feel that their input was considered and for the children – not the teacher – to decide on a solution that meets the needs of the group. This step can take some time, especially if one child is insistent on their suggestion being picked. It may take some teacher finesse and skill to merge two different solutions into one that works for everyone.

In this step, the solution picked is not as important as everyone agreeing to what the solution will be. When I have used these mediation steps with children in my class, they have chosen the “Eeeny, Minny, Miney, Mo” strategy at times. I knew the child who did not get selected would be upset and tried to guide them to consider what happens for the person not selected. However, if everyone agreed the “Eeeny, Minny, Miney, Mo” solution was the best one, I let them try the solution and comforted the child who was upset afterwards. The next time that strategy was proposed the child who was not selected did not agree to the solution. Trust that the children will learn which strategies work and which ones do not through their personal experiences with the outcomes of trying different solutions.

Step 5: Test Solution & Follow-up

During this step, the children try out their solution. The teacher will stay close by to monitor how the children are doing with the solution. If conflict breaks out or one child struggles with committing to the agreement, the teacher can talk with the children about how it is working and discuss if any of the other solutions on the list would have worked better. This discussion allows the child to compare what happened with what they expected to occur. Thus, the “teachable moment” becomes a “learning moment”.

If the solution is working for everyone, I usually acknowledge the fact that they solved the conflict by saying, “You solved the problem. Look at your solution. Everyone got a chance to throw the ball.”

Have you used these 5-steps to mediate social conflicts in your classroom? Share your successes, challenges, and adaptions below. Looking forward to reading your responses.

Planning a Successful Family Meeting

Mon, 10 Jun 2019 04:58:14 GMT

5 Tips for Partnering with the Families of Children with Challenging Behaviors in Preschool

A necessary step when working with children with challenging behaviors is meeting with the family to discuss the behavior and create a plan of action to address the challenging behavior. For any teacher, no matter how long you have been in the early education field, meeting with families can be intimidating. I know that I still become nervous before a meeting with families. This is mostly because I do not know how they will react to the information I am about to share with them. Sure, I’ve discussed the details of specific events during conversations at drop-off and pick-up, but a meeting is different, right? In this post, I am going to share with you the 5-steps I take to prepare for a successful meeting with the parents of children with challenging behaviors. These 5-steps include (1) Preparing for the meeting, (2) Beginning the meeting, (3) Exchanging Information, (4) Creating a Behavior Support Plan together, and (5) Following up with Families.

1. Preparing for the Meeting

Before you meet with the family, you will need to gather all your documentation of the challenging behavior. This documentation is important because it helps you demonstrate to the parents the severity of the challenging behavior and the need for assistance and support. If you haven’t been tracking the behavior, I provide strategies and tools for doing this in my articles the 5-Step Process for Managing Challenging Behaviors and Becoming a Behavior Detective . While you are tracking the behavior, you can start building a relationship with the family by sharing information about the child’s day with them. This information should include both details about how the child is being successful in your classroom, as well as, details about challenging behaviors you are observing. By starting this communication in your daily interactions with the family, you ensure that parents are not blindsided by the information gathered and shared in the meeting.

Tools that I like to gather and share with families during the meeting include anecdotal records of specific behavior incidents I want to discuss, as well, as frequency charts to show how often the behavior is occurring. Both tools are available in our free Resource Library. Join our Behavior Detective Squad to gain access to this invaluable library! The information gathered using these tools is important because you want to convey the necessity for a support plan to families by demonstrating how severe the behavior is. You can eliminate the feeling that you are making a big deal out of small things by clearly detailing for the parents what is happening in the classroom, the contexts in which it is happening, and how often it is occurring.

The last thing I do before the meeting is reflect on the data collected and identify potential reasons for why the behavior is occurring. I also list possible needs the child has which should to be included in future behavior support plans. To learn more about the needs behind challenging behaviors, click here . By reflecting on this information, I am prepared to share it with families during the meeting. I can also bring possible tools and strategies to the meeting to share with families. By sharing these tools and resources in the meeting, I can explain to parents how they will be used in the classroom and encourage the families to continue the child’s learning at home by using the same strategies and tools.

Now that I’ve gathered all the documentation, resources, and tools, the next step is to begin the meeting.

2. Beginning the Meeting

When starting the meeting, it is important to establish a sense of trust and comfort with the family. If parents know you are discussing behavior challenges, there may be defensiveness in the air. This can be cleared by starting the meeting with casual conversation. I will often ask the parents how they are doing and share strengths about their child. The goal behind this is to initiate the back-and-forth exchange with families that is necessary to find solutions to challenges we are experiencing. Most parents want what is best for their child. If you can communicate to the parents that you know their child and are invested in the child’s learning and growth, you will find willing partners in the journey of behavior management.

When starting the meeting, it’s important to consider your body language. When communicating with families, your body language will communicate 55% of the message. Your words will only communicate 7% of the message. This means that “how” you communicate the information is more powerful than “what” you say when delivering the message to families. Body language is what the speaker looks like while delivering a message, including posture, facial expressions, movements, etc. You want to ensure that you are smiling, leaning into the conversation, and have an open body position, including open arms. This communicates to families that you are here to listen to them and you are not here to blame them for their child’s behavior.

It’s also important to explain the purpose for the meeting in the beginning. This sets the direction for the meeting and ensures that everyone is on the same page going forward. I usually say, “We are here to help Timothy be successful in our classroom. Timothy has an outgoing and engaging personality. He enjoys spending time playing with others in our class. We are having challenges with Timothy controlling his emotions when others do not agree with him. We would like your help in finding possible solutions to this challenge.” By stating the behavior challenge in this way, you get everyone focused on finding solutions to the behavior challenge and discussing goals for the child’s growth and learning.

3. Exchanging Information

Now that everyone is focused on finding a solution to the challenging behavior, the next step is to start exchanging information with the families. There are two goals during this phase: (1) communicating the severity of the behavior to the family and (2) getting information from the family that helps put the behavior in context. When sharing information with the family, it’s important to use objective language that specifically describes what is happening. “Timothy is climbing on the shelves during transitions” as opposed to “Timothy is never on task”. With the first description, it clearly describes what is happening and helps the parents compare your observations to their experiences at home. Objective language also eliminates families becoming defensive because you are leaving out your personal interpretations and providing the family with an opportunity to share their perspective during the meeting.

While exchanging information, I will bring out the documentation collected, specifically anecdotal records and frequency charts, to share with the families. I will also include information previously shared during conversations during daily drop-off or pick-up. I ask the family open-ended questions to gain insight into their experiences at home. If they are experiencing similar behaviors at home, I will ask them what strategies they use to manage the behavior and the results of the strategies. If the family is not experiencing the challenging behavior at home, I will ask them how they manage the triggers we notice at school. How they answer these questions will suggest strategies for us to try at school.

I will also ask families during the meeting about any changes occurring at home. This information is especially important if a child’s behavior is suddenly spiking. I have found by asking these questions that I find reasons for the behavior that are unrelated to my classroom routines and schedules. For example, the family is going through a divorce and the child's sense of security has been diminished. I now know I need to provide him with more consistent routines and announcements of changes to help him feel secure and safe in the classroom environment. I might also need to explain teacher absences or upcoming vacations to help him understand that the teacher will be back and when. Knowing what is happening in the child’s home life can help you plan supports for the child to meet their individual needs while at school.

4. Creating a Behavior Support Plan Together

Remember, the reason for meeting with the parents of children with challenging behaviors is to discuss what is happening in the classroom in depth and to create a plan to address the behavior. After you and the parents have exchanged the information needed to put the challenging behavior into its appropriate context, you need to create a plan to address it together. The best behavior support plans require participation from everyone (parents, administrators, teachers, community resources, etc.). The meeting becomes the first opportunity for everyone to team up to manage the behavior together. As a team, everyone agrees on a learning goal for the child’s behavior and suggests strategies and resources for supporting the child in meeting the stated goals. For information on the specific details to include in a behavior support plan, check out this article . You can also sign-up to take our online course which walks you through our 5-step process for managing challenging behaviors, including tracking behavior, communicating with families, and creating behavior support plans by clicking here .

In Step One, I mentioned creating a list of possible needs and supports for managing the challenging behavior based on your observations. During this phase of the meeting, you will share these strategies with the families. It is recommended to have any tools you will be using available for families to see and share how they are used to guide the behavior. The more a family knows about the tool and how to use it, the more likely they are to try the tool at home. I also have the contact information of any community resources or referrals available for the family should they ask for them during the meeting. You want this meeting to have the feeling of being supportive of both the family and the child, as opposed to telling the family what they “should” do.

One way I get families involved in this phase of the meeting is by asking them for suggestion or strategies they do at home. I actively listen to the parents input by clarifying anything they say, “So you give Timothy a squeeze toy and have him take deep breaths at home when you see him stiffening his body while playing with his brother.” The more the family sees that you are interested in not only hearing their suggestions, but also including them in the plans, the more information and strategies you will get from the family.

At the end of the meeting, the plan created should be reviewed to ensure everyone understands and agrees with the strategies. Any strategies included in the plan should be listed as actionable steps that clearly tell everyone what will happen, when it will happen, and who is responsible for implementing the plan. A date to review the plan in the future should also be set at this time. This ensures that everyone gets back together to discuss the plans successes and challenges in a timely manner. Waiting to set the date later only prolongs the review process and delays making needed adjustments to the plan.

5. Following up with the Family

After the meeting, it is important to write up the behavior support plan and give a copy to the families for their records. Additionally, any resources requested and not provided in the meeting should be gathered and shared with families as soon as possible. The sooner this information is provided to families, the more likely they are to feel you are intent on helping their child. The more they see your intention as helping, the more likely they are to partner with you and support you in finding solutions for working with their child.

Ongoing communication is important with families after the meeting. A support tracker tool is a great resource for communicating how a behavior support plan is progressing and the child’s response to individual strategies in the plan. Get your behavior support tracker in the Behavior Toolkit link above. You should also continue to track the behavior using a frequency chart and ABC chart to identify if the behavior is reduced by strategies and tools in the behavior support plan. When a plan is effective, the incidents recorded on a frequency chart will drop. If they are staying the same or increasing, the plan needs to be adjusted to address the new information learned about the child from continued behavior documentation and communication with the family.

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You've Tracked the Behavior, Now What?

Wed, 05 Jun 2019 02:21:12 GMT

Uncovering the "needs" behind challenging behaviors in preschool

In our last post, Becoming a Behavior Detective , we discussed the Why-What-How approach to managing challenging behaviors. If you’ve been following the guidance from this post (and others on our blog), then you have been tracking behavior to discover the reasons for “why” the child is behaving the way they are. When you track behavior, you end up with stacks of papers and documents and you’re probably wondering, “What do I do with all this?” In fact, the challenging part with uncovering the “why” is knowing how to sort through all the information and organize it so that the patterns are revealed. You also have to know what you are looking for in the patterns. In this article, I am going to show you how to analyze the data you have collected to answer the first two questions in the Why-What-How approach to managing challenging behaviors.

It’s important to remember when you start analyzing the data that behavior is “purposeful” and “intentional”. We are wired to get our basic needs met. When these basic needs are not met, our behavior is impacted. Thus, behavior is our way of communicating to those around us what we need. With children, this is especially true because they often do not have the language skills and vocabulary to tell us what they need. So, they use their behavior. When analyzing the data collected from tracking behavior, you are looking for “clues” that tell you what basic needs are not currently being met for that child.

So, what are the needs you’re looking for? Glasser’s Choice Theory identifies five basic human needs that we all have (adults included). The five basic needs are (1) Survival/Safety , (2) Love/Connection , (3) Power/Mastery , (4) Freedom/Control , and (5) Fun/Joy . Most of the time, one or more of these five basic needs will need to be addressed in Behavior Support Plans to minimize or reduce the need for the challenging behavior. Let’s look at these five basic needs in more detail.

1. Survival/Safety

This need relates to making sure the children have something to eat, a place to live, and a full night’s sleep. These needs relate to living a healthy life. You probably already know people who need to eat lunch or they become “moody” and “irritable”. The same is true with children. If you’re noticing that specific times of day, such as before lunch, at the end of morning routines, before nap time, or near the end of the day, are when challenging behaviors spike, the behavior may be related to the child’s need to eat, sleep, or relax. Survival also relates to our sense of security and safety. For children, you may notice a spike in challenging behaviors when in an unfamiliar environment, around new teachers, etc.

Whenever a need for safety/survival is not being met, teachers will need to review schedules and routines to make necessary adjustments to ensure children are eating when hungry and sleeping when tired, as well as, have consistent routines and caregivers that help the child feel safe and secure in the classroom environment.

2. Love/Connection

I personally feel this need is related to many challenging behaviors because it deals with our need for intimacy and to feel connected with others. In the words of Carl Rogers, our need for “unconditional positive regard”. Often times, the behaviors exhibited by children with challenging behaviors lead to disconnection, as they are isolated from peers for safety reasons. Children and adults begin to “fear” them and they have fewer opportunities to engage with others and experience the warmth and affection needed for healthy social-emotional development. In fact, it is not uncommon for teachers to request that children with challenging behaviors be removed from programs. Thus, you find children with challenging behaviors hopping from program to program without receiving the necessary services and learning the needed social skills to thrive in life. Check out this post to learn how to move from surviving challenging behaviors to teaching children how to thrive.

If you’re noticing a child “acting out” as a way to pull others toward them (during group times, when teacher’s attention is focused on other tasks/responsibilities, when feeling rejected by peers), the first step to address the behavior should be building a strong connection with the child and developing a mutual trusting relationship. “I’m here for you no matter what.” That’s a difficult thing to do when a child is hitting, spitting, kicking, and throwing toys. However, it’s a necessary step when trying to reduce and minimize behaviors resulting from an unfulfilled need for love and connection. Download my Connection Building Checklist below and start implementing these strategies to see if behavior challenges are minimized with positive forms of attention.

3. Power/Mastery

The power/mastery need is another important need to rule out when managing challenging behaviors. The need relates to our desire to feel competent, successful, and significant. Often times, people with a strong need for power/mastery want to feel recognized and “seen”. Teacher’s may find themselves in power struggles with children who are attempting to meet this need. The children may be competing with the teacher to influence and “run” the classroom. If you find yourself saying, “he’s pulling the others into his behaviors”, you have a child with a strong need to influence others and a need to be recognized as important and needed.

If you have a child that needs to feel “powerful”, it’s important to intentionally plan times for them to “lead” and have “attention” into your routines and activities. Acknowledge times when they are meeting your expectations, share those observations with families, and build up their sense of competence in following classroom routines. Give them classroom jobs, such as clean-up monitor, teacher’s helper, or name caller for lining up. The more times the child’s need to feel “important” is met through your general routines, the fewer power struggles you will experience.

It’s important to remember that this need is not negative. It’s the way we go about meeting it that determines whether it’s healthy or unhealthy. It’s important for teachers to teach healthy ways for children to meet the need for “power” and acknowledge when children use those strategies. All CEOs and government leaders have this need. We need people like them in our communities, schools, and families.

4. Freedom/Choice

I personally think this need is one that challenges many teachers and schools, as school environments are not designed to promote freedom of choice for children. Freedom relates to our desire to make our own choices and direct our own lives. How many opportunities do children have in your classroom routines and activities to make their own choices and decisions? You’ll know a child is trying to meet this need when they are pushing back against routines, directions, and adult expectations. When you see the child trying to do their own things, you have a child with a huge need for freedom or choice.

The thing to know here is that more structure, more rigid rules, and more punishment will lead to more challenging behaviors. Teachers need to provide this child with more choice. Many visual supports are designed to assist children with meeting this need. Choice charts, individual schedules, and I can do/I can’t do charts are a few examples. All of these provide children with the opportunity to decide what they “want” to do. Give directions using choice language, “Would you like to pick up the red blocks or the blue blocks?” For your peace of mind and the child’s, find ways to get this child to feel like they are in “control” of their day, actions, and opportunities. This will reduce the number of tantrums needed to fill this need for the child.

5. Fun/Joy

On the surface, this need appears to relate to partying, outdoor activities, dancing, etc. However, the need for Fun/Joy is much more. You know this need is being met for a child when they are smiling and laughing. The need for fun is different for every child, as it is greatly dependent upon our temperaments and interests. Fun also incorporates learning about topics and things of personal interest. If you’re finding that a child does not seem to enjoy being in your room, the first thing you need to review is your environment. Is the child’s interests and talents represented in your room? If not, adding these materials and times to participate in these activities into your classroom environment ensures that the child has things that they like to do present in your room. Think about it, where would you rather be? At a place that is filled with your hobbies, interests, and things you like doing? Or at a place that is filled with someone else’s hobbies, interests, and things they like doing? Most of us would choose the former.

Within the next few days, take time to review the documents you have collected while tracking the challenging behaviors in your room. Do any of the above needs appear to be “driving” the behavior? If so, you now have a clue to the needs the child is trying to meet through their behavior. The next step is for you to plan strategies and adaptations to your classroom environment and routines to meet the child’s missing needs. Learn how to do this by checking out this article .

Comment your thoughts and questions about the needs that you think are driving the challenging behaviors in your classroom below. Click here to share ways you meet the 5 needs in your daily interactions with the children on our Facebook page. We love to see pictures!

Becoming a Behavior Detective

Sun, 05 May 2019 17:36:42 GMT

Three Questions Preschool Teachers Need to Ask When Managing Challenging Behaviors

You’ve probably heard this phrase before: “Behavior is communication!” When you ask someone for guidance and support with challenging behaviors, they respond, “The behavior is telling you something.” However, knowing what the behavior is communicating is challenging. You’re seeing the hitting, screaming, and throwing toys and you are thinking, “I don’t care what he’s is communicating! I want him to stop!”

Well, here’s the challenge: If you want the behavior to stop, you need to know what’s driving the behavior. Think about it like a car. If the driver keeps pushing the pedal, the car will continue to move. You need to stop the driver first, then you can stop the car. The challenging behavior is the car. The “why” behind the behavior is the driver. Basically, you have to uncover what the child is getting out of the behavior in order to stop it.

If you’ve been struggling with challenging behaviors, trying different strategies and tools and finding that nothing’s working, your problem is probably related to the fact that the tools and strategies do not address the reason for the behavior. Let’s dissect this with the following scenario from one of our previous posts :

We gathered all the children on the carpet to read a story. Sam did not want to sit down. Instead, he went to the library area and began to climb on the furniture. I began to read the story and Sam started to shout, “Why don’t you shut up!” When I finished reading the story, I started to prep the tables for lunch. My co-teacher did movement games with the children on the carpet. Sam approached me and said, “I’m going to help.” I responded, “No, thank you. You may join the group.” Sam then tipped over two chairs before making his way over to the group. He then took out the container of bean bags and dumped them on the floor. Next, Sam threw the bean bags at the children. My co-teacher moved the children away from Sam. Sam began to throw the bean bags at me. Sam then picked up the wooden blocks and threw them across the room at the children.

In this scenario, the teacher’s tried two common strategies for managing tantrums: sending the child to a calm down area and ignoring the behavior. However, those strategies did not work in this scenario because they did not address the “why” behind Sam’s behavior: He did not want to participate in group time. This scenario comes from a teacher I coached, and her goal was to get Sam to “sit for group time”. In this moment, Sam needed support with finding alternative options to group time. His behavior was his attempt at expressing his frustration with not having a second option to group time. When he asked to help, the teacher said, “no”, and this sent Sam into a tailspin. In order to be successful in this situation, the teachers would first have to recognize what Sam’s behavior was initially telling them and find appropriate ways for Sam to get what he needs (freedom of choice).

So, how do you do this? There are three questions that every preschool teacher working with challenging behaviors needs to ask before finding tools and strategies:

(1) Why is the child behaving this way?

(2) What do I want them to learn?

(3) How can I best teach them this?

What I like to call the Why-What-How approach to behavior management. Notice the How (tools and strategies) is last. First, the teacher needs to become a “behavior detective” and seek out the reasons for why the child is doing what they are doing. Teachers need to gather evidence, look at the evidence, and find the patterns that “uncover” the reason why. By asking How first, you are simply picking tools and strategies out of the air and the behavior continues because the Why is still present. When following the Why-What-How approach, you are creating a specific behavior support plan to address the specific reason for the behavior. Stopping the car by stopping the driver.

Let’s walk through these three questions in greater detail.

Why is the child behaving this way?

To answer this question, you need to take time to observe the behavior and track its occurrences. This is the first two steps in my 5-step process for managing challenging behaviors. Learn more about this process here !

In my online training, Breaking the Behavior Code: Discovering the “Why” Behind Challenging Behaviors , I introduce 3 forms used to observe and track behavior: (1) ABC Charts, (2) Frequency Charts, and (3) Anecdotal Records. ABC charts collect information about the events occurring within a child’s environment. When completing this form, teachers record what happened before the behavior (the antecedent), what happened (the behavior), and what happened after the behavior (the consequence). Frequency charts are a measure of how often and long the behavior occurs. These charts help teachers specifically identify how severe the behavior is (once a day vs fifteen times/day). Anecdotal records are a short story that include descriptions of behaviors and direct quotes. Anecdotal records include the details about the incidents recorded in ABC charts. These three forms when used in combination reveal the patterns in the behavior. These patterns are the clues for identifying the triggers and the functions (the reward for the child) of the behavior. They will also provide you with objective details and facts to share with families when communicating with them about challenging behaviors.

It’s important for all documentation of challenging behaviors to be written using objective language. Teachers should write only what they learn through their senses (seeing, hearing, smelling, and feeling). This allows the teacher to identify specific behaviors, actions, and interactions that may be driving the behavior. For example, the child stomped his foot on the floor and the floor began to shake or the child leaned forward and screamed, “I’m going to hurt you”, while looking directly into my eyes. These statements clearly explain what happened in terms with which everyone can agree. This also allows for parents, teachers, and administrators to communicate and share potential reasons for the behavior because the “cause” has not been pre-determined.

Using objective language is also important because our interpretations or reflections about behavior are based on our cultural background, expectations for children’s behavior, and how we were raised. These factors are the “lens” through which we give meaning to what we observe. For example, different cultures have different behaviors associated with “respect”. If an African American teacher has a child from a Korean background who looks away when she is talking, the teacher may interpret this behavior as disrespectful and not listening. However, the child’s culture has taught him that looking at adults in the eyes is disrespectful and he looks away when the teacher is talking to show respect. This example shows how our reflections on children’s behaviors may not always be accurate. It’s through discussions with families about what the child specifically did that the teacher can “uncover” what is really happening with the child. Instead of the teacher telling the parent that the child was “disrespectful”, the teacher would communicate the objective facts (the child looked away when I was talking to him) to the parent. Then, the parent can explain the behavior to the teacher based on how their culture views such actions. The sharing of objective information between teachers and parents is the beginning of building a strong partnership for addressing the reasons for the challenging behavior.

What do I want them to learn?

After you have identified the reasons behind the behavior, the next step is to think about what the child needs to learn. Challenging behavior is frequently linked to a need to learn necessary social skills for prosocial interactions. Remember, babies are not born knowing how to play with others, manage their emotions, and solve problems. These are skills learned as children grow and mature. Therefore, it is important for teachers to know what social skills need to be learned and to intentionally teach these skills for the child to exhibit more appropriate ways to meet their needs.

Another important consideration is whether the behavior is developmentally appropriate. For some behaviors, the child may not be at a developmental stage where they can behave the way adults want them to behave. For example, tantrums and biting may be developmentally appropriate for toddlers and young 3 year-olds who do not have the language skills to communicate their feelings or needs. Thus, they use behavior to do this for them. In this case, you would make adaptations to your environment to minimize triggers, while the child learns the language skills needed to engage in expected behaviors.

During conversations with families, you want to focus on this aspect of the Why-What-How approach. Communicating to families what you want the child to learn and how they teach those skills at home will help you identify potential strategies to try at school and how to adapt your interactions to the child’s temperament. Additionally, sharing what you are teaching the child at school and suggestions for how the parents can do the same at home helps the parents become a part of the process as opposed to an outside observer, or worse, an obstacle to overcome. I list 6 tips for partnering with families of children with challenging behaviors in this post . You can also download our questions to ask families resource here .

How can I best teach them this?

Now that you know why the child is engaging in the challenging behaviors and what you want them to learn, it’s time to find the best strategies and tools to accomplish the learning goal. In my article about the 5-step process for managing challenging behaviors, this is Step 3: Creating a Behavior Support Plan. To learn specific information about creating a behavior support plan, check out our article here or take our online course Breaking the Behavior Code: Discovering the “Why” Behind Challenging Behaviors here .

I have two favorite sites for finding tools and resources for managing challenging behaviors: Center on the Social and Emotional Foundations for Early Learning (CSEFEL) and the website Connectability . They both offer great visual supports, including individual schedules and first-then charts, as well as, activity plans for teaching social-emotional skills. The CSEFEL website also has books you can read to children to introduce social-emotional concepts, such as identifying feelings, sharing, and social-problem solving.

The important thing to remember is that the tool or strategy needs to address the “reason” for the behavior by teaching the needed social skills for the child to be able to behave the way we want them to behave. If a child is biting because they are struggling with controlling their emotions, teaching them to “use their words” will not help them stay calm when someone takes their toy. The replacement behavior has to address what is happening with the child. This child in this example would need a mood thermometer and a calm down zone with calm down materials to teach him appropriate ways to express his emotions. When he is calm, he can move on to using his words.

A behavior support plan is a specific plan of action and should include specific strategies, tools, and resources. It should also include who is responsible for implementing which tools and strategies, as well as, the times when the strategies are to be used. A plan to track the success of the strategies has to also be included in the written plan, as well as, a timeline for implementation and review. Find out more about this here .

Now that you know the three questions to consider when addressing challenging behaviors, it’s time to take action. Download our Behavior Toolkit here and start tracking the challenging behaviors to answer Question 1: Why is the child behaving this way? You can also join our Learning Community Forum , where we share and discuss specific tools and strategies for managing the challenging behaviors in your classroom. Join us by clicking here .

What are you thoughts? Have you tried the Why-What-How approach before? If it’s new to you, how will you begin to use it when planning behavior supports in your classroom? Let’s discuss your thoughts below.

Are You Surviving or Thriving?

Tue, 09 Apr 2019 00:00:00 GMT

Assessing Your Approach to Managing Challenging Behaviors

We all have them. Challenging behaviors: children hitting, biting, throwing things, and screaming, among others. These are all moments that we simply try to get through because they are stressful and challenging. These times of day are frequently shared with ease. We complain about these moments and look for strategies and suggestions to help us get through these hectic times of the day. Often, the strategies we seek are “quick fixes” or tools that make the “problem” go away. In these moments, we may not be the best version of ourselves, as we bark out directions to the children, give immediate solutions to problems, tell the children how to quickly solve their social conflicts, and demand the children comply with our demands as we rush on to the next part of our schedule.

I have frequently commented that the recent rise in challenging behaviors is related to our field’s shift from teaching social skills, friendships, and how to play with purpose toward an increasingly higher demand for academic performance. When confronted with the challenges of managing a classroom full of preschoolers, teachers prioritize teaching writing, reading, and counting over teaching friendship skills, social problem solving, and how to manage emotions. In fact, we try to “survive” the challenging moments by seeking out “quick fixes”. Our intention is to move on to the more “important” times of our day: teaching academic skills. Comments frequently reflect the view that providing for the individual needs of children with challenging behaviors is “unfair” to their peers because it takes away from providing for everyone's needs.

Daniel J Siegel, MD and Tina Payne Bryson, PhD, authors of The Yes Brain , No Drama Discipline , and The Whole-Brain Child , offer another way for us to approach our work with children with challenging behaviors. They introduce the concepts of “Survive and Thrive” by saying that moments when we are trying to “survive” and simply get through the challenging behavior are also moments when we can be teaching our children skills they need to “thrive” later in life. They propose that teachers can reduce the amount of “survive” moments they experience over time by using those moments to teach children missing social skills.

So my question to you is: “Are you Surviving, simply trying to get through your day with the children, or are you Thriving, using everyday challenges to teach children the skills they need to be successful in life?

I recently asked preschool and pre-kindergarten teachers the following question:

“What qualities do you hope your children take into their adult lives?”

It was interesting that none of the responses included the academic skills that we often prioritize when going about our daily routines with the children. Comments focused on life skills, such as accepting differences, being confident in their abilities, knowing it’s okay to make mistakes, how to show empathy, being kind to others, and exploring and enjoying the moments. There was only one comment related to reading and it was “for children to love to read”.

Seigel and Bryson call these “thrive”. Our long-term goals are things that we know will help children “thrive” in life. So, my next question is, if social-emotional skills are what we know children need to thrive in life, why are we seeing the children who need to learn these skills as taking away from the more “important” moments of our day? Isn’t teaching these skills important and necessary? Why aren’t we focused on and giving time to teaching social problem solving, how to manage emotions, and how to interact and play with others?

It starts with changing our view of discipline. Many people and cultures see discipline as punishment. Spanking, time-out, removal of toys, and loss of privileges, among others, are all ways to respond when children “misbehave”. The problem with these approaches is it doesn’t “teach” the child what they can do instead. What other alternatives do they have? What could they have done differently?

Let’s look at the following scenario to dissect this idea a little further:

Darius was playing with the zoo animals on the shelf when Timothy took the tiger away from Darius. Darius started to scream, “tiger, tiger”. Next, Darius followed Timothy and pushed him. Darius took the tiger and said, “Mine!” Darius placed the tiger back on the shelf and kept playing.

In this scenario, the teacher could respond in three different ways. First, the teacher could yell at Darius and put him in time-out for pushing Timothy. This approach would be responding to Darius by “punishing” his behavior. In the second approach, the teacher would say to Darius, “Gentle touches” and give the toy back to Timothy or take it away altogether. While this approach helps the teacher survive the moment, it does not teach Darius how to appropriately respond when someone takes something from him. It also does not teach Timothy how to ask for toys or wait until someone is finished before taking the toy. These are important life skills both children need to learn. Skills that will help them “thrive” in life. Without learning these skills, what will Darius and Timothy do the next time this situation occurs?

This is why it’s important to view discipline as “teaching” children how to behave, not punishing them for their behavior. It’s okay to make mistakes, as long as you can learn from them (life goal).

So how do you start to focus on “teaching” life skills and less on punishing?

Seigel and Bryson say, “Ask yourself three questions”:

1. Why did the child act this way?

2. What lesson do I want to teach in the moment?

3. How can I best teach this lesson?

In our above scenario, the teacher would pause and ask herself, “Why did Darius push Timothy?” If she doesn’t know what happened, she could ask Darius and Timothy, “Oh no, what happened?” Darius will surely respond with “My tiger?” As she discovers, why Darius pushed Timothy (to get his toy back), she will next ask herself, “What lesson do I want Darius and Timothy to learn?” Another way to frame this question is, “What would I like Darius to do instead of pushing?” She may say, “I want Darius to ask for the tiger back or get his teacher to help him?” Then, she considers the best way to teach Darius this lesson and decides that modeling it for Darius is the best way. So, she tells Darius, “You can’t push Timothy. Pushing hurts him. If you want your toy back, you need to ask for it. Let’s say, ‘Give back, please!’” She could hold the tiger and have Darius say, “Give back, please”, and give him the tiger when he uses the words. In this way, the teacher has started to teach Darius how to use his words to get what he needs. It would also be important for the teacher to listen for Darius shouting when playing near other children, as she can step in and reinforce this learning in the moment.

What are some ways you can start incorporating “thrive” learning into your “survive” moments? What are ways to teach “thrive” skills in your daily routines? Comment your responses below!

References in:

Siegel, D.J. & Bryson, T.P. (2014). No-Drama Discipline: The whole-brain way to calm the chaos and nurture your child's developing mind . New York, NY: Bantam.